Thursday, October 18, 2007

My Apology To Aaron McGruder

Dear Aaron,

A motherfucker apologizes man...I really do. I mean, I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong brother, and I was wrong about you. Now, in my defense, you did not tell us that putting together a season of The Boondocks was such hard work. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW! Putting together a TV show is supposed to be hard work. I get that. BUT, you didn't tell us that you had to write it and then send it to Japan to be drawn and animated. You didn't tell me that dog. I was just worried about you man...that's all. But the good news is that you're back. MAN are you back. Aaron, so far Season 2 of The Boondocks is brilliant, and I expect it to continue to be.

I talked bad about you man. I called you a weekend fling and you are so NOT a fling. you're committed to me and my entertainment needs and you are there for me. You seem to know exactly what I need and if it takes a lil time for you to get it to me, I'm willing to wait. Just...get a website or something to keep us posted on what's going on. A blog or something. You can get a blog right? I mean...I didn't even know Season two was coming until I saw a trailer on YouTube. C'mon now Aaron. You can do better than that!

Look man, the Soul Plane episode...brilliant. The Usher episode, unlike ANYTHING I have ever seen before. You went to the next level on that one. My favorite quote from that episode was from A Pimp Named Slickback:

"Studies show that 75% of bitches experience some kind of hearing loss, which means that talking to a bitch is not always the most effective way of reasoning with her. Sometimes you have to hit a bitch."

Brilliant man. Aaron, again I am sorry. As a tribute to you, here is my favorite part of episode 2. The Usher video. Keep doing your thing man. I'll never question you again.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Thursday, July 12, 2007

An Open Letter To MoNique Parker

Dear MoNique Parker (or whatever the hell your name is),

I have been putting up with your shit for years now and I haven't said a damn word, but now you have just gone too goddamn far you fucking buffoon. I'm sure you will try to justify your most recent actions with some sort of self righteous tirade about how sexy big women are, but this shit just ain't right. Please stop. Just stop dammit.


Mr. Opinionated

Thursday, July 5, 2007

An Open Letter To Hybrid Owners

Dear Owners Of Hybrids and Other Fuel-Efficient But Slow Cars,

How are you? I hope you are enjoying the iphone that you stood in line overnight to get and I can't wait for you tell me all about The Transformers Movie, but I wanted to talk to you about how we interact on the roads and highways. I drive a truck. A pickup truck. It doesn't get great gas mileage but it's not so bad either. It's a gas guzzler compared to your Hot Wheels car, but one thing it can do that yours can't is go very fast. It can go like...60 miles per hour, and faster! See, I say all of this because I noticed today that you took your little piece of shit car and got in the far left lane, the passing lane. Only thing is, you weren't passing anybody. I know it's hard to pass people when your car runs on nuts and berries, but then...I really don't get why you were over there in the first place. Did Al Gore tell you that if you bought a Prius you could ride in the left lane? Cause if he did, he lied. Whoever told you that, if I ever catch you over in that sombitch again there will be hell to pay. Stay the fuck out of the passing lane and keep that thing to surface streets and driveways where it belongs.


Mr. Opinionated

Are You Fighting For A Child Molester?

This is Al Sharpton
This is Geronimo, or whatever his name is.

And this is Al Sharpton here in Atlanta at a rally for Gillespie. Al Sharpton is mad because he thinks Gillespie should be let out of jail. Just to recap, Gustav got a blowjob from a 15 yr old girl when he was 17, and he videotaped it, which got him in a lot of trouble. 10 yrs worth of trouble. This has been a hot button topic in Atlanta and in the country for the last few months. There are some, well many who think that the boy should not have gotten sent to jail for 10 yrs, which I can't say that I disagree with. Gepetto's main concern doesn't really seem to be jail, but the fact that under all of the plea deals that he has been offered, he would have to register as a Sex Offender, and he doesn't feel that he is one. Al Sharpton doesn't seem to feel like he is a Sex Offender either. A lot of people are on the boy's side. Even my ole Pastor Warnock, who is annoyingly visible in that picture with Al Sharpton, doesn't think he is a child molester. (Thats him behind Al to the left, looking like a broke-ass civil rights flunkie.) Anyway, I relaized that maybe the reason that a lot of people don't consider the boy a child molester, is because they don't really know what a child molester is. a public service, I did some research on child molesters and how they go about their business. I'm curious as to how Giovanni stacks up. Let's see:

Methods and Styles of Seduction Used By Child Molesters

1. Affection and Attention
For the most part, a child is seduced in the same way as one adult seduces another. The offender takes the child places, buys them things, impresses the child with his own personality, makes the child feel loved and indebted to the offender, then becomes physical with the child. It starts subtly, by holding hands, placing an arm over the shoulder, or putting a hand in the lap, then graduates to more explicit conduct. Hmmmm, impresses the child with his own personality. Like...maybe he took advantage of the fact that he was the big man on campus?...takes the child places, like to a hotel room maybe? Ding! That's' a child molester you're looking at.

2. Mislabeling the Activity
Another common ploy to trick the child into an act is to tell the child that what is being done is for a purpose other than the real one. For example, a young child was seduced into posing for photographers by being told that the offender was taking pictures for a publisher of medical books -- the pictures, he said, were to assist doctors in teaching others about sex. Um...Gregory, I don't know what you told that girl to get her to let you videotape her, but you had a damn camera. Survery says YES!

3. Narcotics and Alcohol
The use of narcotics and alcohol by the child molester is commonplace. What better way to get a child to a place he wouldn’t ordinarily go than to provide him with something he can’t ordinarily get? The use of alcohol is mostly limited to the older child; however, it is also a common denominator in some cases involving young children. looking real guilty boy. Your ass had weed AND liquor. Al, I think you might be fighting for a child molester!

See, the truth is, if there was a 17 yr old boy in my neighborhood who used drugs and alcohol to prey on 15 yr old girls, I would want to know who the hell he was and where he lived! I think this little fool SHOULD have to register as a sex offender. But I'll tell you what. I issue a challenege to anybody fighting for this knucklehead boy. If and when he does get out of jail, let him date YOUR daughter. What do you say to that Al?

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

My Interview

So T-Dot got interviewed by Jameil (when I learn how to do links I will show ya'll some of this shit so it actually makes sense) and I thought that shit was cool so I asked T-Dot to interview me. She asked the tough questions. Here they are, with my answers...

1. Why do you seem to be so passionate (read: angry) about so many things? Does anything make you happy?

if you had read my blog consistently you would know that Melinda Dolittle made me happy. wife and my dog make me happy. My home. My work and my office. My father being retired and my Mother being on the brink of retirement. Reading the blogs that I read every day makes me happy. Watching a gifted athlete or musician makes me happy. Um...HOT DOGS make me happy T-Dot. Barbecuing makes me happy. Beer makes me happy as well as cigars and Scotch. Grey's Anatomy makes me happy as well as Top Chef. But you knew all of this didn't you? Bad question T-Dot. BAAAAAAD question. Step your game up JOURNALIST.

2. Are you homophobic? Explain.

Well, answering this question implies that I agree with the term 'homophobia' as something real. The dictionary defines a phobia as an irrational, persistent fear of certain situations, objects, activities, or persons. Now, if you asked me if I fear that homosexuals will break in my house and try to get my booty while I sleep, then the answer would be no. That's not a fear that I have. Interestingly enough though, the term 'homophobic' means "prejudiced against homosexual people," and a person who is considered homophobic is sometimes called a homophobe. That's a lil different from an actual clinical phobia. And I didn't know this, but critics of the term "homophobia" consider non-medical usage of the term to be controversial. Go figure. Now that we're clear on that, the answer is no, I'm not homophobic, and that's based on either usage. I used to have really strong feelings about homosexuality and whether or not it was cool, or right, or nasty...but I work in the arts and not liking gay people just doesn't add up to career advancement for me. Plus it's stupid not to like somebody just cause of who they screw. Now, the whole DL thing we got going on in our community, sickens me, and those DL dudes scare me. i think they are the scum of the earth. So I might be DLdudeaphobic. I dunno...Another subpar question sister.

3. What's something new you learned about your wife today?

Well the day just started and I only spent about 15 minutes with her this morning, and I was sleepwalking through it so I'll use yesterday. Yesterday I learned that my wife really wants to be a good wife and gets frustrated when she feels like she has fallen short of that. Ironically, she never has. She really is a good wife. I appreciate her. Good question. I just don't feel right telling all of her business up on her. She should get her own blog for that.

4. If you had to pinpoint a significant event or experience in your past that made you the person you are today, what would it be?

I damn near flunked out of school. I mean, I had no earthly idea what I was doing, but even sadder than that, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Here is what I did...I spent the better part of the summer in my parents basement. A lot of that time was spent in silence, thinking, sleeping, some thought I was depressed. I know my father did. I rode MARTA a lot and did quite a bit of reading; mainly about prominent African-Americans and studying the lives of people whoo I respected. But, what I really needed was some time to be alone with my thoughts and figure out who the hell I was and what I wanted out of life. Young brothers get pulled in so many directions and everywhere you turn it seems that people are telling you what you SHOULD like, SHOULD become, SHOULD think, SHOULD have, SHOULD look like. I had to reject all of that shit and come up with my own set of rules, opinions, likes, dislikes, wants, and needs. I realized that I didn't have to listen to hip-hop if I didn't want to, and I didn't have to drive a nice car and live in a big house if that didn't interest me. I realized that it's ok smoke cigars and drink Scotch with my friends and that is a pefectly acceptable way to have a good time. I realized that doing work that I was passionate about was far more important to me than making a lot of money, and I realized that gas grills suck and that real men use charcoal to cook meat. Shit like that. Individuality is so underrated and I'm happy to have it. Another good question. So you do have skills.

5. What's one thing you wish more people knew about you?

Honestly T-Dot, anything people don't know about me, I probably don't want them to know. Honestly...

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I'm Sick Of This Boy Right Here

This is Ginobli Wilson...or something like that. Here is his story. So...Geraldo knows how to PAAAAARTAAAAYYYY. I mean, he partays like nobody else. I didn't get an invitation to his New Year's Eve Party but I wish I had. See, my idea of bringing in the new Year usually consists of some fireworks, maybe a lil champagne, a kiss from a lovely young lady, and Dick Clark. And that's in my 20's. When I was in High School I was lucky if my Mom let me stay awake that late...and if I was I had better be working on that damn Science Project that was due in just a few days. Well, Gincarlo and his boys do it just a lil bit different. Them boys got some weed, some liquor, a hotel room, got dressed in their fiiiiinest gold teeth and gangster clothes, grabbed a couple of young girls and set that motherfucker off right! While I was rockin with Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest they ran a train on a 17 yr old girl, and got blowjobs from the 15 yr old girl while they got high and drunk. IN FACT, they partied so hard that they can barely remember what happened til this day. LUCKILY for them, they videotaped the whole thing so ALL THE MEMORIES were captured. of the girl's momma's got involved, I don't really know the specifics but Gincarlo ended up in court where he was found guilty of Child Molestation cause he got some lip service from a 15 yr old girl who wasn't legally able to consent to sex. WELL, people wen't ape-shit! Agony Agony Agony, the courts did Hidalgo wrong because he is black, same ole story. Even my Pastor Ole Warnock got involved. Warnock prayed for Giuseppe and got some of his buddies involved and the court got petitioned for an appeal or something...I'm not really sure about that either. But anyway, so yesterday a judge said that getting high and drunk while getting a blowjob from a 15 yr old girl wasn't so bad and that Gamaliel should be sent home. In walks Thurbert Baker. TOUGH Thurbert Baker who is the Attorney General said: 'hold the fuck up Judge!' You can't just let that boy go like that...and he filed an appeal that will keep Geneaology in jail at least until they review the appeal. The cool shit is, that me, Warnock, and Thurbert Baker all go to the same Church so I'm looking forward to being up at the CHUCH HOUSE on Sunday Moanin.

To put it plainly, I'm sick of this boy. I really am...I want him to go away. Stay in jail, go home, I don't give a shit. It's time to stop hearing about this boy. See, publicists and news people think I'm stupid and they want to tell me that he was a Scholar and was on his way to Harvard. That boy wasn't on his way to no damn Harvard...he was a typical wanna-be $2 thug and I'm sick and tired of folks like Warnock and ole Sharpton acting like the shit he did was normal for his age. It's not normal for anybody's age. I'm not saying he should be in jail his interviews he doesn't even seem remorseful for acting like a dummy. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this boy...