Thursday, October 18, 2007

My Apology To Aaron McGruder


Dear Aaron,

A motherfucker apologizes man...I really do. I mean, I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong brother, and I was wrong about you. Now, in my defense, you did not tell us that putting together a season of The Boondocks was such hard work. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW! Putting together a TV show is supposed to be hard work. I get that. BUT, you didn't tell us that you had to write it and then send it to Japan to be drawn and animated. You didn't tell me that dog. I was just worried about you man...that's all. But the good news is that you're back. MAN are you back. Aaron, so far Season 2 of The Boondocks is brilliant, and I expect it to continue to be.

I talked bad about you man. I called you a weekend fling and you are so NOT a fling. you're committed to me and my entertainment needs and you are there for me. You seem to know exactly what I need and if it takes a lil time for you to get it to me, I'm willing to wait. Just...get a website or something to keep us posted on what's going on. A blog or something. You can get a blog right? I mean...I didn't even know Season two was coming until I saw a trailer on YouTube. C'mon now Aaron. You can do better than that!

Look man, the Soul Plane episode...brilliant. The Usher episode, unlike ANYTHING I have ever seen before. You went to the next level on that one. My favorite quote from that episode was from A Pimp Named Slickback:

"Studies show that 75% of bitches experience some kind of hearing loss, which means that talking to a bitch is not always the most effective way of reasoning with her. Sometimes you have to hit a bitch."

Brilliant man. Aaron, again I am sorry. As a tribute to you, here is my favorite part of episode 2. The Usher video. Keep doing your thing man. I'll never question you again.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Thursday, July 12, 2007

An Open Letter To MoNique Parker

Dear MoNique Parker (or whatever the hell your name is),

I have been putting up with your shit for years now and I haven't said a damn word, but now you have just gone too goddamn far you fucking buffoon. I'm sure you will try to justify your most recent actions with some sort of self righteous tirade about how sexy big women are, but this shit just ain't right. Please stop. Just stop dammit.

Sickly,

Mr. Opinionated

Thursday, July 5, 2007

An Open Letter To Hybrid Owners

Dear Owners Of Hybrids and Other Fuel-Efficient But Slow Cars,

How are you? I hope you are enjoying the iphone that you stood in line overnight to get and I can't wait for you tell me all about The Transformers Movie, but I wanted to talk to you about how we interact on the roads and highways. I drive a truck. A pickup truck. It doesn't get great gas mileage but it's not so bad either. It's a gas guzzler compared to your Hot Wheels car, but one thing it can do that yours can't is go very fast. It can go like...60 miles per hour, and faster! See, I say all of this because I noticed today that you took your little piece of shit car and got in the far left lane, the passing lane. Only thing is, you weren't passing anybody. I know it's hard to pass people when your car runs on nuts and berries, but then...I really don't get why you were over there in the first place. Did Al Gore tell you that if you bought a Prius you could ride in the left lane? Cause if he did, he lied. Whoever told you that, if I ever catch you over in that sombitch again there will be hell to pay. Stay the fuck out of the passing lane and keep that thing to surface streets and driveways where it belongs.

Sincerely,

Mr. Opinionated

Are You Fighting For A Child Molester?

This is Al Sharpton
This is Geronimo, or whatever his name is.

And this is Al Sharpton here in Atlanta at a rally for Gillespie. Al Sharpton is mad because he thinks Gillespie should be let out of jail. Just to recap, Gustav got a blowjob from a 15 yr old girl when he was 17, and he videotaped it, which got him in a lot of trouble. 10 yrs worth of trouble. This has been a hot button topic in Atlanta and in the country for the last few months. There are some, well many who think that the boy should not have gotten sent to jail for 10 yrs, which I can't say that I disagree with. Gepetto's main concern doesn't really seem to be jail, but the fact that under all of the plea deals that he has been offered, he would have to register as a Sex Offender, and he doesn't feel that he is one. Al Sharpton doesn't seem to feel like he is a Sex Offender either. A lot of people are on the boy's side. Even my ole Pastor Warnock, who is annoyingly visible in that picture with Al Sharpton, doesn't think he is a child molester. (Thats him behind Al to the left, looking like a broke-ass civil rights flunkie.) Anyway, I relaized that maybe the reason that a lot of people don't consider the boy a child molester, is because they don't really know what a child molester is. So...as a public service, I did some research on child molesters and how they go about their business. I'm curious as to how Giovanni stacks up. Let's see:

Methods and Styles of Seduction Used By Child Molesters

1. Affection and Attention
For the most part, a child is seduced in the same way as one adult seduces another. The offender takes the child places, buys them things, impresses the child with his own personality, makes the child feel loved and indebted to the offender, then becomes physical with the child. It starts subtly, by holding hands, placing an arm over the shoulder, or putting a hand in the lap, then graduates to more explicit conduct. Hmmmm, impresses the child with his own personality. Like...maybe he took advantage of the fact that he was the big man on campus?...takes the child places, like to a hotel room maybe? Ding! That's' a child molester you're looking at.


2. Mislabeling the Activity
Another common ploy to trick the child into an act is to tell the child that what is being done is for a purpose other than the real one. For example, a young child was seduced into posing for photographers by being told that the offender was taking pictures for a publisher of medical books -- the pictures, he said, were to assist doctors in teaching others about sex. Um...Gregory, I don't know what you told that girl to get her to let you videotape her, but you had a damn camera. Survery says YES!


3. Narcotics and Alcohol
The use of narcotics and alcohol by the child molester is commonplace. What better way to get a child to a place he wouldn’t ordinarily go than to provide him with something he can’t ordinarily get? The use of alcohol is mostly limited to the older child; however, it is also a common denominator in some cases involving young children. Yea...you looking real guilty boy. Your ass had weed AND liquor. Al, I think you might be fighting for a child molester!


See, the truth is, if there was a 17 yr old boy in my neighborhood who used drugs and alcohol to prey on 15 yr old girls, I would want to know who the hell he was and where he lived! I think this little fool SHOULD have to register as a sex offender. But I'll tell you what. I issue a challenege to anybody fighting for this knucklehead boy. If and when he does get out of jail, let him date YOUR daughter. What do you say to that Al?

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

My Interview

So T-Dot got interviewed by Jameil (when I learn how to do links I will show ya'll some of this shit so it actually makes sense) and I thought that shit was cool so I asked T-Dot to interview me. She asked the tough questions. Here they are, with my answers...

1. Why do you seem to be so passionate (read: angry) about so many things? Does anything make you happy?

if you had read my blog consistently you would know that Melinda Dolittle made me happy. Um...my wife and my dog make me happy. My home. My work and my office. My father being retired and my Mother being on the brink of retirement. Reading the blogs that I read every day makes me happy. Watching a gifted athlete or musician makes me happy. Um...HOT DOGS make me happy T-Dot. Barbecuing makes me happy. Beer makes me happy as well as cigars and Scotch. Grey's Anatomy makes me happy as well as Top Chef. But you knew all of this didn't you? Bad question T-Dot. BAAAAAAD question. Step your game up JOURNALIST.

2. Are you homophobic? Explain.

Well, answering this question implies that I agree with the term 'homophobia' as something real. The dictionary defines a phobia as an irrational, persistent fear of certain situations, objects, activities, or persons. Now, if you asked me if I fear that homosexuals will break in my house and try to get my booty while I sleep, then the answer would be no. That's not a fear that I have. Interestingly enough though, the term 'homophobic' means "prejudiced against homosexual people," and a person who is considered homophobic is sometimes called a homophobe. That's a lil different from an actual clinical phobia. And I didn't know this, but critics of the term "homophobia" consider non-medical usage of the term to be controversial. Go figure. Now that we're clear on that, the answer is no, I'm not homophobic, and that's based on either usage. I used to have really strong feelings about homosexuality and whether or not it was cool, or right, or nasty...but I work in the arts and not liking gay people just doesn't add up to career advancement for me. Plus it's stupid not to like somebody just cause of who they screw. Now, the whole DL thing we got going on in our community, sickens me, and those DL dudes scare me. i think they are the scum of the earth. So I might be DLdudeaphobic. I dunno...Another subpar question sister.

3. What's something new you learned about your wife today?

Well the day just started and I only spent about 15 minutes with her this morning, and I was sleepwalking through it so I'll use yesterday. Yesterday I learned that my wife really wants to be a good wife and gets frustrated when she feels like she has fallen short of that. Ironically, she never has. She really is a good wife. I appreciate her. Good question. I just don't feel right telling all of her business up on her. She should get her own blog for that.

4. If you had to pinpoint a significant event or experience in your past that made you the person you are today, what would it be?

I damn near flunked out of school. I mean, I had no earthly idea what I was doing, but even sadder than that, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Here is what I did...I spent the better part of the summer in my parents basement. A lot of that time was spent in silence, thinking, sleeping, some thought I was depressed. I know my father did. I rode MARTA a lot and did quite a bit of reading; mainly about prominent African-Americans and studying the lives of people whoo I respected. But, what I really needed was some time to be alone with my thoughts and figure out who the hell I was and what I wanted out of life. Young brothers get pulled in so many directions and everywhere you turn it seems that people are telling you what you SHOULD like, SHOULD become, SHOULD think, SHOULD have, SHOULD look like. I had to reject all of that shit and come up with my own set of rules, opinions, likes, dislikes, wants, and needs. I realized that I didn't have to listen to hip-hop if I didn't want to, and I didn't have to drive a nice car and live in a big house if that didn't interest me. I realized that it's ok smoke cigars and drink Scotch with my friends and that is a pefectly acceptable way to have a good time. I realized that doing work that I was passionate about was far more important to me than making a lot of money, and I realized that gas grills suck and that real men use charcoal to cook meat. Shit like that. Individuality is so underrated and I'm happy to have it. Another good question. So you do have skills.

5. What's one thing you wish more people knew about you?

Honestly T-Dot, anything people don't know about me, I probably don't want them to know. Honestly...

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I'm Sick Of This Boy Right Here


This is Ginobli Wilson...or something like that. Here is his story. So...Geraldo knows how to PAAAAARTAAAAYYYY. I mean, he partays like nobody else. I didn't get an invitation to his New Year's Eve Party but I wish I had. See, my idea of bringing in the new Year usually consists of some fireworks, maybe a lil champagne, a kiss from a lovely young lady, and Dick Clark. And that's in my 20's. When I was in High School I was lucky if my Mom let me stay awake that late...and if I was I had better be working on that damn Science Project that was due in just a few days. Well, Gincarlo and his boys do it just a lil bit different. Them boys got some weed, some liquor, a hotel room, got dressed in their fiiiiinest gold teeth and gangster clothes, grabbed a couple of young girls and set that motherfucker off right! While I was rockin with Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest they ran a train on a 17 yr old girl, and got blowjobs from the 15 yr old girl while they got high and drunk. IN FACT, they partied so hard that they can barely remember what happened til this day. LUCKILY for them, they videotaped the whole thing so ALL THE MEMORIES were captured.

So...one of the girl's momma's got involved, I don't really know the specifics but Gincarlo ended up in court where he was found guilty of Child Molestation cause he got some lip service from a 15 yr old girl who wasn't legally able to consent to sex. WELL, people wen't ape-shit! Agony Agony Agony, the courts did Hidalgo wrong because he is black, same ole story. Even my Pastor Ole Warnock got involved. Warnock prayed for Giuseppe and got some of his buddies involved and the court got petitioned for an appeal or something...I'm not really sure about that either. But anyway, so yesterday a judge said that getting high and drunk while getting a blowjob from a 15 yr old girl wasn't so bad and that Gamaliel should be sent home. In walks Thurbert Baker. TOUGH Thurbert Baker who is the Attorney General said: 'hold the fuck up Judge!' You can't just let that boy go like that...and he filed an appeal that will keep Geneaology in jail at least until they review the appeal. The cool shit is, that me, Warnock, and Thurbert Baker all go to the same Church so I'm looking forward to being up at the CHUCH HOUSE on Sunday Moanin.

To put it plainly, I'm sick of this boy. I really am...I want him to go away. Stay in jail, go home, I don't give a shit. It's time to stop hearing about this boy. See, publicists and news people think I'm stupid and they want to tell me that he was a Scholar and was on his way to Harvard. That boy wasn't on his way to no damn Harvard...he was a typical wanna-be $2 thug and I'm sick and tired of folks like Warnock and ole Sharpton acting like the shit he did was normal for his age. It's not normal for anybody's age. I'm not saying he should be in jail but...in his interviews he doesn't even seem remorseful for acting like a dummy. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this boy...

Monday, May 14, 2007

I'll Make A Deal With You


All of you punk ass rappers, male and female, seek out these girls and give them a good talking to. You hear the way they keep calling each other bitch and ho? They got that mess from you! They learned it by watching you. Explain to them why the shit they are doing is not ok and help them to be better people. Then talk to all of the idiots who were standing around watching this shit and cheering them on. Clean this shit up. Do that, and I'll buy your damn records and listen to you on the radio. Until then, go to hell. This shit is yorur fault.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Shit I Used To Believe

I USED to believe that the children were our future...


NOOOOOOOT so sure anymore.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Shit I Believe - inspired by T-Dot

-I believe that when you talk on your cell phone in public, that you are actually insecure, and are either faking it or actually having conversation with somebody to avoid interacting with people.

-I believe that morning radio shows have one purpose. To entertain me while I drive to work so I don't realize I'm actually driving to work. Not to tell me who to vote for or bring awareness to social and political issues. Just get me to work. That's why I love The Bert Show on Q100.

-I believe that birth control pills are 100% effective. And that the only reason they get that 100% rating is because some girl lied and said she took them when she really didn't.

-I've never seen a pink grape, so I believe that any wine that is pink is bullshit.

-I believe that any man that doesn't drink hard liquor or beer is gay.

-I believe that a man who barbecues on a gas grill should never be allowed to watch football again.

-I believe that fraternities and sororities are COLLEGE ORGANIZATIONS and that anybody who joins one after they have left college needs to find something else to do.

-I believe that any church pastor that doesn't have a full time 9-5 job is probably shady in some way

-I believe that when you go to a club, that the same people standing in line outside, are the same people that will be inside. So if you aren't having fun in the line, you should probably just bounce.

-I believe that a haircut should cost $20. No more, no less. That goes for everybody.

-I believe that there is always some truth to a rumor.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Some shit I read

"Anytime you take a food, dip it in batter and then deep fry it, you turn it into something that can be a bit hard on the gut. "

Yea but...you also turn it into something beautiful.

Damn

Somebody just got fired. That shit never gets easier to see...especially when it's not deserved.

You know what I hate? I hate those chicken-shit ways of firing people. You know...shit like: "I know you are actively looking for a nother job but I think we need to go ahead and set a date for your departure." JUST FIRE THE DAMN PERSON ALREADY!

Damn...

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Hot Dogs

So T-Dot had a hot dog story, and strangely enough, I have one too. So, my wife loves burgers, and I promised her that when I got home from work last night I would make some burgers on the grill. I could go on and on about barbecuing but I have to be somewhere in 20 minutes so I won't. Anyway, the burgers went over ok, but when I got done with them I realized that the grill was still a lil hot, so I put 3 hot dogs out there. JUUUUUUST for shits and giggles. I let them cook, nice and slow you know? I put them on about 6:30, ate dinner, checked email, called a friend, watered the lawn, and sat down to watch American Idol when I realized...shit, I still got hot dogs on the grill! When I went outside to get them, what I found was a beautiful sight. Cooking low and slow, with just the right grill marks on them were the three most gorgeous Ball Park franks that I have ever seen.
BUT, and T-Dot will appreciate this, NO BUNS! No bread either. Guess what I did have??? Hoagie Rolls. Whole wheat Hoagie Rolls. I split one of them shits open, but two hot dogs in it, laced a lil mustard and ketchup on the damn thing and listened to Melina Dolittle sang her ass off. It was a beautiful thing.

Damn I love hot dogs...

Monday, April 23, 2007

Sorry your kid is dumb

SO...I think Will Ferrell is hilarious. Last week, a video surfaced on the internet of a skit featuring him and somebody's kid. The kid is playing his Landlord, and cusses him the fuck out for not having his rent. Funny shit, really. Check it out.

So the sad thing is, people are raising a stink about it. Talking about, teaching a kid to say those words is 'abusive' to the kid. I COULDN'T cuss as a kid. Maybe that was abusive, I dunno...
All I know is, that somebody needs to get a life. They said the same shit about 12 yr old Dakota Fanning doing a rape scene in her new movie Houndog.
They said she was being abused. Right. Dakota Fanning...abused. You want to see abused? Rent Man on Fire, War of the Worlds, Hide n Seek, I Am Sam, Dreamer, Nine Lives, Cat In The Hat. Dakota Fanning abused the following so-called pro actors by out-acting them in those movies: Denzel Washington, Robert DeNiro, Tom Cruise, Glenn Close, Mike Myers, Sean Penn, and Kurt Russell. Rent some of those movies, if you want to see some abusive shit. You know who else got abused? ME! By having to sit through some of that mess that Dakota Fanning saved just by being on the damn screen.

Anyway, I digress. Come back if I lost you there. The point is, don't get mad because your dumb ass kid can't read and write well. Any kid that can retain all of that dialogue when she can barely speak, is on to bigger and better things. You go back to playing See 'n Say with your 12 yr old. We got this.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Have I Neglected My Blog?

I see that post a lot...people say, "I have neglected my blog." They apologize and then commence to blogging their asses off. Well, I'm not sure that's the case here. See, the thing is, being that I'm kind of a private dude, I rarely blog about my personal life. It's not often that I discuss my wife or my family, my job, my friends...etc. I blog about society and the shit that I see, and well...society has been a bit overwhelming lately a little too tough to chew. I think I can handle it now though so...hold on. This could get a lil bumpy.

Last week was the week of Don Imus. In short, he referred to the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team as "Nappy Headed Hos" on his radio show. OK so that rattled the cages of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson who went on a relentless campaign to have Don Imus fired, and he was. Very quickly, here is my opinion: back in school I had this friend who met a girl who was a lil slow, or chall I say developmentally challenged. She was functional, and at first glance you wouldn't know she was slow, but after talking to it, it became clear. Well, he decided he wanted to have sex with her, which didn't really seem to be much of a challenge. After about a day or so of making advances, he had sex with her, whichhe later admitted was the most pointless endeavor of his life. That's what getting Don Imus fired feels like, a cheap fuck. Going after a girl that you know is an easy lay, for no reason at all. Or maybe because you think it will make you feel better in some way, and it turns out not to. It was pointless and silly.

In walks C. Vivian Stringer and the Rutgers Women Basketball Team, with the perfect opportunity to play the victim. And that they did. They act as if they won! I have never seen losers get so much attention, and it's not becaue of Don Imus, it's because they demanded it. They keep saying some bullshit about "making history." I really don't see how a team losing the NCAA Championships is history. Now, I don't do links cause I don't have time, but go back to my earlier posts and you will see that I have commented before about how our standards for what is History have lowered. Message to the Rutgers women, YOU DIDN'T MAKE HISTORY. Now your coach gave a speech after your meeting with Don Imus that lasted longer than the I Have A Dream Speech. THAT, was historic...losers.

OK so then the Duke 3 were pronounced Not Guilty and all charges were dropped. AL Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were too busy sinking their teeth into Don Imus to apologize like men. I'm done with those two.

We also got to know the nappy headed ho that accused them of raping her. And before you get all in a tither, I can call her nappy headed because I saw her. Her hair was nappy...and I can call her a ho because her rape kit and DNA tests showed that she had the DNA of several men IN HER RECTUM. Let me be perfectly clear about something: No woman, I don't care who you are, should have DNA from more than one man in her rectum. OK, maybe 2 guys. No more than 2 though. Not several.

Crazy week huh? Not over yet!

So on Monday, Oprah steps in to save the day. She has on her show, people who love hip-hop and people who hate hip-hop. The reason being, that many people are saying that the reason that Don Imus felt so comfortable saying HO is because punk ass rappers say it all the time. You think???? Of course that's why people are desensitized to the word. So, dudes I love like Stanley Crouch and Jason Whitlock came in with all guns blazing and exposed punks like Russell Simmons and Kevin Lyles for the gutless cowards that they really are.
You have to watch it to understand what I'm talking about, but the shit was gorgeous. But while Oprah was saving the world, some shit went down that she couldn't save anybody from. This Korean kid went crazy at Virginia Tech and killed 32 people; at one time. It was crazy...I have never seen anything like it. The eery part is, that the technology age put us closer to it than we ever could have been . Blogging, the internet, text messages, cell phone cameras, and overnight mail have sensationalized this incident in a way that I never thought was possible.

On a different note, I downloaded my 500th song on itunes. A pretty sick milestone. That means that since the fall I have spent close to 500 bucks on music. What was the 500th song? Mandy, by Barry Manilow. My wife knows why. But it's a jammin song. I also downloaded Billy Joel, 12 Gardens Live, which is among the best Live Recordings I have ever heard. Anytime your shit is so legendary that the audience sings every word and you don't have to do a damn thing, it's a beautiful thing.

Anyway, that's it...what a week.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!

Sanjaya sings tonight, and it will make everything better. Tonight, Sanjay will display his ability to heal all wounds. from the Va. tech shooting, to the Don Imus situation, to the 3 Duke Boys, when Sanjaya is done singing, we will all feel better. I can't fuckin wait.

UPDATE

Nope, I haven't blogged in a while. Why? Too much dumb shit going on. Just too much. It's been a rough week in thsi country, this world. We need one big Band-Aid. Film at 11.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Confession

I voted for Sanjaya last night...

And after I did it, I did it again, and again, and again, and again...I couldn't stop!
I feel so dirty.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Hypocrisy, HO!

Let's be clear folks...you can't be mad about this:

When you don't get mad about this:

or this:


Are we clear on that???

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Only A Month Late...

So it's March now, and Black History month is well behind us. It passed rather uneventfully too. Very little fanfare, but very little to complain about as well. No worries though, Rapper Lil Jon is here to correct that. See, he has this tradition of sending Black people back in time. Usually it's about 100 years or so, but this time he only set us back a month and he did it in grand fashion. In one of the proudest Black History moments EVER, Lil Jon was entered into the Guinness Book of World Records for having the largest diamond pendant ever!

The "Crunk Aint Dead" pendant is 7.5 inches tall, six inches wide, and weighs almost 12 pounds. It has 73 carats of diamonds on the necklace but 3,756 round-cut white diamonds total set in 18K yellow and white gold. It is valued at around $500,000. I'd say something about how fucking ridiculous it is, but I'm tired just from writing this and he seems so damn proud of it...

Happy Belated Black History Month everybody...

Friday, March 23, 2007

Overheard By My Wife

"I saw that motherfucker the other day. That motherfucker come talkin bout: HEEEEEEEY Barbara. I said: HEEEEEEEEEY Motherfucker."

Barbara



And then, the crowd went wild....

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Why does this shit happen to me???

One of the caucasian females in the office tried to relate to me today because she made Collard Greens last night. "They were only 68 cents a pound" she said to me. "And they are so good for you!" She even brought some for me to taste.

I tasted them...I had to.

And the crowd went wild...

Overheard as I passed by a seminar

"This afternoon you will be given ample opportunity to share with us about your experiences with your partners..."

You can't make this stuff up people

Confession

I use way too much Febreeze and I use it way too often...

Something Nice: Melinda Doolittle

So, I caught a little bit of flack for my last post. Some said I was too hard on the kid that commented on my blog. They said I need to be nice. OK, I can buy that. So, I'll talk about something nice. Something that makes me feel good. Something that cheers me up when I'm not feeling so good. Melinda Doolittle.

I'm not sure how many of you out there watch American Idol, but I do, and I do it for a few reasons. The first is, that it's the most watched television show in the world. I think it says something for everybody in the world to be into something, and I simply don't want to miss out. Doubters have been wrong about this show. They said it wouldn't last, that it couldn't make stars, etc...they were wrong. It gets bigger and better every year. Secondly, I used to be a performer. Not the American Idol type, but I did perform, so a lot of what I see on the show is relevant to my experience and I feel like I can offer a decent perspective on it. Third, it's fun. It takes my mind off work and allows me to space out for an hour or two. I don't get into the whole voting and everything, although in the past there have been contestants that have brought me such joy with their singing that I considered it, but nobody ever pushed me to that point where I actually voted. Some of my favorites have been Taylor Hicks, Chris Daughtry, Latoya London, and Bo Bice. But man...this year, something real special showed up. Melinda Doolittle.

I ain't kidding...this girl is not only the best singer I have ever heard on this show, she is among the top 25 voices I have ever heard, and I have heard a few. To be quite honest, I think the Producers at American Idol need to do two things to save this shwow this year. They should go ahead and send that little Indian boy home because he doesn't even seem to want to be on the show anymore and he keeps getting sacraficed, and they need to pull Melinda from the competition and put her to work. The competition really isn't fair. She is so much better than everybody else, that it's scary. Not surprising though, she has a trained voice and has worked professionally. It makes a difference. This is not somebody who sings along with the radio everyday headed to work...this is somebody who has actually worked at the craft of singing and gotten quite good at it. QUITE good. Hearing her sing brings me joy. Since making it to the Finals, she has sang Since Youve Been Gone, My Funny Valentine, I'm A Woman, and Home, and she ripped them all. Every last one. She's no joke. So, to brighten your day, I give you Melinda Doolittle.

And the crowd goes wild...

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Miller Grove's Finest

OK Now I understand. When your school allows underage girls to put on tight clothes and gyrate for the public, how can you expect a brother to control himself? Check out this link and see Miller Grove's finest students doing what they do best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4d3bIhx27tA

It's like Friday night at Magic City out there! All they need is a few stripper poles and a DJ and they are in business. I was throwing dollar bills at my computer monitor. I feel for the male teachers at that school. In fact, ya'll might want to come arrest me just for thinking what I'm thinking right now. I'm about to go watch it again.

And the crowd goes wild...

Dekalb County Part 2...This Time, The Students

I don't know how many of you read the comments that are posted to my blog entries, but the other I was talking to the man out in Frisco and he said to me: "some student in Dekalb County is pissed at you man!" Huh? It seems that a Dekalb County student found their way to my blog and read my entry entitled "Congratulations to the Dekalb County School System." Now, as touched as I am that a person that I don't even know somehow came across my rants and thought enough of me to respond, I was also a little insulted. Not because this person clearly disagreed with my opinions, but because they decided to deface my page of brilliant thoughts, ideas, and shit with the ignorant ass writings of some pimply faced juvenile, or somebody pretending to be a juvenile. Either way, allow me to retort. first, the comment, in it's entirety.

Anonymous said...
"FIRST OFF I AM A STUDENT AT MILLER GROVE HIGH SCHOOL AND MILLER GROVE IS ONE OF THE BETTER SCHOOLS IN THE COUNTY. THIS ONE INCIDENT DOESN'T MAKE OUR SCHOOL ANY WORSE THAN ANY OTHER. THE TEACHERS AT OUR SCHOOL ARE DOING THINGS TO ENSURE THAT WE GRADUATE DOING THINGS TO ENSURE THE SUCCESS OF THE STUDENTS THAT SO MANY OTHER SCHOOLS AREN'T. MAYBE THESE TWO TEACHERS DIDN'T EVEN DO WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN ACCUSSED OF SO TO SPEAK ILL OF THEM, THE SCHOOL, OR THE COUNTY IS NOT ONLY WRONG BUT STUPID. EVEN IF THE ACCUSATIONS ARE TRUE I DON'T THINK THAT REFLECTS THE VIEWS OF THE COUNTY OR THE SCHOOL ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THAT THIS HAS OUTRAGED A LOT OF PEOPLE. I THINK THAT PEOPLE SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THINGS THEY DON'T HAVE ALL OF THE FACTS ABOUT. I'M PRETTY SURE THAT IF YOU MET THEM YOU WOULD ALSO SAY THAT YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE THAT THE ACCUSATIONS WERE TRUE. BOTH OF THESE TEACHERS CARED AND TRIED TO HELP US. DEKALB COUNTY IS A GREAT SCHOOL SYSTEM WITH SOME GREAT TEACHERS AND SHOULDN'T BE PUT DOWN BECAUSE, OF THE ACCUSATIONS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT AGAINST TWO PEOPLE. THAT'S 2 OUT OF THE 1540 OTHER COUNTY EMPLOYESS."

OK so many things jump out at me you dumb ass piece of shit. You started out yourcomment saying 'first off' but never got to 'second off!' 'First off' isn't even an actual phrase. What you meant to say was 'first of all' but you clearly are too stupid to know that in order to have a first you have to have a second, and maybe a third, fourth, fifth, etc...how ever many points you have to make, that's how you count them. Now, I also have to teach you about stating facts and opinions. I call myself Mr. Opinionated which is a clear indication that everything on my blog is opinion and not to be confused as fact. You say that Miller Grove is one of the better schools in the county. Based on what? I mean c'mon, that's basic English Composition. You state an opinion and then you follow it up with supporting ideas. How the fuck do I know it's one of the better schools in the county? Because you said so? If indeed it is, you're not doing it much justice at all with your writing. Either the school is fucked up or you are. Which one is it? Well, you already decided that for us. You said the school is one of the better ones in the county so, I guess you're all fucked up.

Your next statement: "THIS ONE INCIDENT DOESN'T MAKE OUR SCHOOL ANY WORSE THAN ANY OTHER." Not only is that a poorly written sentence, I never said it did make your school worse than any other. I think all the Dekalb County schools are screwed. In fact, I said that Miller Grove was supposed to be the flagship school of the system, so if the teachers at Miller Grove are putting their dicks in 17 year old girls, imagine what's happening at shit holes like Avondale. I don't know...maybe teachers are marrying girls as soon as they walk across the stage for graduation. One can only assume I guess.

Next. "THE TEACHERS AT OUR SCHOOL ARE DOING THINGS TO ENSURE THAT WE GRADUATE DOING THINGS TO ENSURE THE SUCCESS OF THE STUDENTS THAT SO MANY OTHER SCHOOLS AREN'T." One again, this sentence doesn't even make any damn sense and it's a run-on. What could the teachers at that school possibly be doing to ensure that you graduate, that other schools aren't doing? You act as if you all are doing Graduate School work in there. It's high school you idiot. I and many others graduated from high school after sleeping for two years. It's not that hard. If the teachers have to do all kinds of special things to make sure you graduate, I think you might want to visit a Sylvan Learning Center or something. That's sad. But since the teachers are so committed to your success, when you go into school tomorrow, tell them that you don't know how to use punctuation or capitalization and I'm sure they will hop right on it and get you squared away.

Ok, the funniest thing you said: "I THINK THAT PEOPLE SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THINGS THEY DON'T HAVE ALL OF THE FACTS ABOUT." Welcome to America dummy. It happens everyday. Get used to it. Clearly you have not been exposed to enough.

There was a lot more stupid stuff in there, but you closed it with a real gem. "DEKALB COUNTY IS A GREAT SCHOOL SYSTEM WITH SOME GREAT TEACHERS AND SHOULDN'T BE PUT DOWN BECAUSE, OF THE ACCUSATIONS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT AGAINST TWO PEOPLE. THAT'S 2 OUT OF THE 1540 OTHER COUNTY EMPLOYESS." My post actually mentioned three, not two, and I could personally hand you 14 more. That would be 17 out of 1540. Would that be enough to make you realized that there is a prolem? Probably not. See, you're young and stupid and when you are young and stupid you tend to latch on to ridiculous things like a school system or a school. You yell dumb shit like "put your hood up" and claim Police Zones instead of communitites like that's something to be proud of. I advise you to grow up. Learn to support something meaningful. Find yourself a good charity, non-profit, or adopt a child from a third-world country if you really want to believe in something. Get your head out of your ass and realize what happened here and I promise that you will be much better for it. There, in 10 minutes I just taught you more than you could have ever learned at that school. You can thank me in the comments section, since I know you like to go there.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

My Dad...A Better Man Than Me

I'm a private guy, so I very rarely talk about myself or my family here. I usually try to reserve this space for social commentary and random funny shit, but what I have to say about my Dad in a way IS social commentary. A little over a week ago, he retired. I never really knew what it meant to retire, until I saw it up close. You actually stop working. You pack up, and you go home...you never go back. Ever. I don't know about you but, to me that shit is cool. But here is what is even cooler about my Dad. First off, he's a private dude too so I won't put his picture up here. But I know this: he worked for two reasons. to support his family and to be productive. I'm fortunate enough to have a job that I love. I'm passionate about it and I'm driven to do it. but who is to say it will always be that way? My Dad worked for the government. The Federal Government. That's like me going to run a Smooth Jazz Radio Station. You would have to drug me just to get through the day!

My point is, that I always hear a lot of young people complaining about how there are no jobs. "I wanna do something in my field" they say. "I can't go to work at a job I can't stand" is another popular one. Grow the fuck up. The truth is that you can do whatever you set your mind to. You just don't want to. My father is living proof that BETTER MEN THAN YOU have done it, and survived. I respect that shit. I really do. This great gig that I have could be taken away from me at any moment, and I could end up doing a job that I don't like. I could handle it. He did, and in classy fashion.

I called him up last night and asked him "what do you plan to spend your days doing?"

His answer: "right now I just really need to rest. I really just need to rest man..."

Damn right. Enjoy yourself Dad.

Congratulations to the Dekalb County School System!

You gotta understand, the Dekalb County School System is hard to get into! If you want to teach in Dekalb County, you have to go through a VERY rigorous process of run arounds, interviews, explanations, and excuses. It's no joke. They only want the best and the brightest teaching their kids. The Short Man has a Bachelors in Music, a Masters in Music Education, published a thesis, AND taught privately, and after being interviewed and auditioning....yes AUDITIONING to teach music in Dekalb County, was told he wasn't good enough. His skills were not "up to par." I mean...man, it's a tough getting in there. They only want good-natured, well-trained, responsible teachers. Like Angelo Taylor for example. Angelo Taylor is a former track star who won a gold medal in the 400 m Hurdles at the 2000 Summer Olympics. He was hired by Dekalb County to teach. In November 2004, Taylor was arrested when a police officer allegedly found him having sex with a 15-year-old girl in a parked car. Taylor was charged with one count of child molestation and enticing a child for indecent purposes. In January of 2005, Taylor was again arrested for allegedly having sex with a second 15-year-old girl. He was charged with three counts of child molestation and one count of enticing a child for indescent purposes. In January of 2006, he pled guilty to both incidents and was sentenced to three years probation, a $2,500 fine, and evaluation for possible sex offender treatment.

And the hits don't stop there! In 1005, Dekalb County opened their "flagship" school, Miller Grove High School. The largest school in the county. Now, you KNOW they plan to place top-notch teachers there. Right? Sure...only the best. How about Clarence Hicks and Eubie Lewis. Hicks, a graduate of Florida A&M University, previously taught at Lithonia High School and in Marion County, Fla., according to the Miller Grove High website. Lewis is a fourth-year teacher and graduate of Virginia State University. Hicks is a social studies teacher at the Lithonia high school, while Lewis teaches special education.

Both teachers were charged Sunday with having sex with a 17-year-old student. The SAME 17 yr old student. Both men were charged with sexual assault against a person in custody. Hicks was also charged with furnishing alcohol to a minor.

Way to go Dekalb County. Way to teach the children...

Friday, March 2, 2007

Dear Aaron McGruder: I'm Disappointed


Your groundbreaking comic strip The Boondocks, was edgy and controversial. I absolutely loved it, and not just ordinary love. The kind of love where you fight the greatness of something until you can deny it no longer. I used to hate Michale Jordan, until I watch him eat so many lunches that didn't belong to him, that I had to be a fan. That's how I was with your work. I thought it was ridiculous. Modern-day minstrelsy. I hated it so much that I read it just to be sure I knew what I was hating. And then, I became a fan. I saw the brilliance of it. The way you parodied the black community, with a positive twist; the way you forced people, and not just black people, EVERYBODY to look at themselves, was dare I say? Genius...I once said to a friend, "the only thing that would make this comic strip better, would be a TV show to go along with it." It was like you heard me.

The Boondocks TV show premiered last year and I mean...it was amazing. The perfect Sunday night was a new episode of Grey's Anatomy and a new episode of The Boondocks. Awwwww man...I wouldn't even answer the phone during that 90 minutes. But then, just like a weekend fling, you left for the summer and for some reason I knew in my heart you wouldn't return. And you didn't. But not only did you not return, you QUIT. You quit everything. No TV show, no comic strip, nothing. Something about the pressures of stardom getting to be too much for you and needing a break. OK Dave Chappelle. Next time come up with some original shit. But here is the real beef. If that girl that came for the weekend fling, left me, I wouldn't want her to send me pictures of herself to help get me through...or send her ugly ass friend over to hang with me once in a while. I want her to get the fuck on! Let me get on with my life. And that's what you won't do. You won't leave. Every day, I go to My Yahoo page and I see these weak ass pre-production comic strips that you did and it just feels cheap. The drawings don't look the same, the humor isn't fully developed. That's like Krispy Kreme shutting down but leaving some old stale doughnuts behind for us to eat. I don't want that shit! But then, to add insult to injury, this week you did someething so disgusting that I wrote you off. A RE-RUN! A comic strip re-run. One that I had read already. Are you kidding me dude? I mean, Huey and Riley mowing the lawn was so funny the first time that I emailed it to my dad to reminisce about the days my brother and I would mow the lawn. But the 2nd time around, it's not funny...it's not cute...it ain't cool. You don't recycle comic strips man. I took you off My Yahoo page. I'm done. It's back to Ruthie, Joe, and One Big Happy. If only I could get Get Fuzzy on My Yahoo page. Now that's funny stuff.

I Tried It...

For all you lovers of Krispy Kreme out there, I did it for you. I tried the Whole Wheat Doughnut.

I don't really feel like explaining this to the people who know nothing about it because the whole premise pisses me off.
OK so check this out! Because a few years ago the whole 'low-carb' madness started, Krispy Kreme, which originally had just a few stores here and there and began to expand because people loved the gooey sweet goodness that is a Krispy Kreme Doughnut, BEGAN TO LOSE MONEY! Can you believe that? Because some asshole, who died of a heart condition, told people that carbs were bad for you, these folks could no longer sell what may very well be the most indulgent piece of food in history. The original Glazed Krispy Kreme Doughnut. If you have never had one, check this out, taken straight from the Krispy Kreme Website. I couldn't have said it better myself.

"What's a "Krispy Kreme? When people talk about a Krispy Kreme doughnut, they're usually referring to our signature treat: the Original Glazed. Made from a recipe dating back to the 1930s, our Original Glazed doughnuts have helped set us apart. And if you haven't had an Original Glazed HOT off the line, you need to try one! Look for the Hot Light!
It signals our customers about some really good news. When we turn the light on during certain hours of the day and night, it means that our Original Glazed yeast-raised doughnuts are coming out RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT! So come on in and get some HOT!"

Goddamn...That's like poetry. So anyway, these people with no self-esteem and no direction stopped eating the doughnut. Now, I will admit, the damn thing isn't good for you. It's basically deep fried white bread covered in a sugary glaze and served so hot that it literally slides down yoru throat. But dig this, IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD FOR YOU! It's a damn doughnut. It's a treat. I bought some today because one of our employees is leaving and we wanted to celebrate her last day and her new career. If we ate the damn things every day, we'd be all hypertensive and what not. That's why it's a treat. To be ha din moderation. Some people just don't get that. Because of some book they read, they swear off the damn things and cost a company that tried to do US a favor by making their delicious treats more accesible to us by opening more stores across the country, lose money.

So here is what they did. They came up with a whole wheat doughnut. Here it is again.

SO I tried the shit. The verdict, not bad. I mean, it ain't the original and if you thought it would be you probably need to go back to reading The Secret or The Purpose Driven Life or whatever book you are reading to help you get through the day this week because your life is so miserable. BUT, it is a nice alternative. It is sweet, but the glaze is different. It's got this caramel thing happening. Kind of like a Sugar Daddy. Decent flavor. In all honesty, it's probbaly a little TOO sweet. I could only eat one which is probably good because it's 180 calories, but I did enjoy the one I had. All in all, it's decent. I hate the fact that Krispy Kreme had to do this because people can't think for themselves, but I respect the way they did it. I was very skeptical but they pulled it off. They gave customers a realistic option when having to make healthier choices in they doughnut consumption. "Healthier choices in their doughnut consumption." That just SOUNDS stupid. I can't believe I just said that. I'm going to get another doughnut. A real one.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Confession

I am going to introduce a new feature on my blog entitled: Confessions. In this space I will divulge some of my inner-most secrets to give you a better idea of who I am and what makes me tick. I have no set schedule for this. They will appear randomly. But you are sure to get a sneak-peek into the brilliant but reclusive person that is me. Here goes...

Confession:

I watch That's So Raven. And not just if I happen to be passing it. I know what time it comes on and I make sure to see it at least twice a week. It's one of the best shows on TV. Sue me...

I Need Some Feedback

What's the difference between this:


And This:


I look forward to your responses...

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

My Bad...

I haven't posted in over a week. That sucks and I feel like I need to apologize for not lacing you with brilliant shit to read. Tell you what I will do to make it up to you. I'll update you on events and thoughts of the last week.

OK so...Valentine's Day was cool. I was stuck in a quandry because I had neither cause, will, strength, or means to do something extravagant for my wife, but not only did she expect something, she thought I was joking when I told her I had nothing planned! I have this established history of saying I have nothing planned when the exact opposite is true, so I guess I brought that on myself. Well, regardless, I did what any good man would do. I came up with a last minute idea. A great new restaurant called Babbette's Cafe was offering a take-home Valentine's Day dinner, complete with Cornish Hens, heart-shaped ravioli, and dessert. It was really good offer and I didn't feel like cooking so, I did that and we had a nice evening.

I'm a slave to Grey's Anatomy and last Thursday's episode, which I dubbed the Oh Shit episode didn't make it any better. My wife and I went to see the Atlanta Symphony, a concert that started at 7 p.m., was supposed to last an hour, with a reception following, so I figured we could be home in time for Grey's. The concert ran a little long and it didn't end until 8:30. We skipped out on the reception and raced home like some bitches to see the show. I didn't like myself after that, so I invested in a DVR for my Direct TV because I REFUSE to be a slave to that damn show! Now I have it programmed to tape every episode of Grey's that ever comes on including the reruns and the back episodes in syndication on Lifetime, so I can watch it when I SAY I want to want it. Guess I showed Grey's huh?

Cabral Thornton is a cat I went to high school with who started a new company called Menu Meals. The premise is simple. They have a group of restaurants that they work with who do not deliver food to customers. Through them, you can place an order for food from those restaurants, and they will go there, pick it up for you, and deliver it to your home. A few things impressed me. The website was really slick and user-friendly. it was designed by Corey Stanford who i also went to high school with. Shortly after I placed my order, the call to confirm came from Cabral himself who I hadn't seen in about 7 or 8 years. Not only was I happy to hear from him, but I was impressed that he was working on a Saturday night, for a company that he owns. You just don't see that kind of work ethic very often. He offered to do the delivery himself and beat the estimated time of delivery by about 20 minutes. Check out menumeals.com if you are on the south side of Atlanta. You won't regret it.

Then my wife and I had a fight...a big one. We went to my parents house for dinner and spoke not a word to eachother the entire time. My mother called the following day to ask if we were okay, which I appreciated, but it's not like she could do anything about it so...that's just who she is. I love her. We worked it out like we always do though. Whenever we fight, I go to the movies to calm down, and this time I saw Notes On A Scandal. Check it out. It's a British thriller about a teacher who has sex with a student, and the teacher who finds out. I say Cate Blanchett will upset Jennifer Hudson for Best Supporting Actress on the Oscars next week. You heard it here first.

Ok this is getting long, let me wrap up. Work is crazy as hell. Traffic today was horrendous. I'm working on my taxes. That's why I haven't blogged. So there...

Monday, February 12, 2007

Jumpin Jim Crow

Wheel about, and turn about, and do just so;
Every time I wheel about, I jump Jim Crow.


I learned that song when I was in school at CAU. Luckily for me, I had professors who taught me about the struggles of those who came before me. They taught me that people had to jump Jim Crow just so we could have the opportunities that we have today. Me and the fellas, whenever we would have problems would jokingly say: "I been jumpin Jim Crow all my life!" Well, the crazy part is that it really never stops. I still encounter situations where I have to jump Jim Crow and it never gets any funnier or any easier. I get tired of having to be the bigger and better man and put on a happy face when I am mistreated...but I figure, better man than me did it and survived, so who am I to complain?

Yea, I had a rough week at work, that culminated with me having to jump Jim Crow to save my ass from some shit I didn't do in the first place. It sucks...bad. And no, I don't want to talk about it. I'll get over it soon enough. I know I'm being vague but...sometimes it has to be that way. So in honor of me jumpin Jim Crow, here is my first ever video in my blog, thanks to my brother who came by my office and showed me how; on the very day I was jumpin my ass off. This is Bill "Bojangles" Robinson, trying to make a way out of no way. Doing what he had ot do to make things happen. I can relate...



Yea...

Wheel about, and turn about, and do just so;
Every time I wheel about, I jump Jim Crow.

Friday, February 9, 2007

A Public Service For Black Women...Hell, All Women Everywhere! How To Tell If A Man is Gay

I'm really sick of it. I'm sick of hearing sob stories about how some chick hooked up with some dude...maybe even married him, and "found later" he was gay. It's old ya'll, really. Everytime I hear a girl say "I didn't know he was gay," I'm thinking, "shit, I did!" There are signs, whether we like it or not. Sure, there are some actors out there who will sneak it past you, but even when there are those who sneak it past you, you realize later that the signs were there, you just ignored them! Like this one cat I know from college, who NEVER had sex with a female. Sure, he would get chances but he always came up with some lame ass excuse as to why he didn't close the deal like, he was too big for her or something crazy like that. I knew it wasn't right but I ignored it. A few years later, this dude is inviting cats to a Brokeback Mountain party at his 'friend's' house and telling us to dress like cowboys! SO, for all the ladies who claim they CAN'T TELL this is my sevice to you. How to tell if a dude is gay:

1. If he is over thirty and has a washboard stomach, he is gay. It means he hasn't sucked back enough beer with the boys and has spent the rest of his free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If he has a cat, he is a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, that dude is fit to be framed, he's so gay.

3. If he sucks on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, he is a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and he is in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a homo.

4. If he refuses to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, he craves a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If he drinks decaf coffee with skim milk, he definitely likes a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. So are women, beer, and cigars. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. Also, if he has had NutraSweet in his mouth, he probably wants a man there, too.

6. If he knows more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, he might as well be handing out free passes to his ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If he can pick out chartreuse or knows what a "fressier" is, he is gay And if he can name ANY type of textile other than denim, he is homolicious.

7. If he drives with both hands on the wheel, forget it. The man is dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch, hold his beer, or play with his lady in the passenger seat.

8. If he enjoys romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. A guy watching any of the above films by himself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to homosexuals when they flame out too quickly.

Got all of that? GOOD.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

The ABC's of Mr. Opinionated thanks to T-Dot

Got this from T-Dot who apparently got it from Veronica, both of whom I don't really know. I know T. Dot's sister but...well, you get the point.

A - AVAILABLE: Only for my wife of almost 4 months
B - BIRTHDAY: August 14, 1978
C - CRUSHING: As in female? Um...i guess crushes are allowed when you're married. Thandie Newton. She's sexy.
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: I made a smoothie this morning. Strawberries, bananas, cranberry juice, pineapple juice, a lil flax seed, some honey, and ice
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Aside from my wife...it's a tie. My brother, my Mom, my Dad, and the Short Man
F - FAVORITE BANDS: The Count Basie Orchestra
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Bears. men should never put anything in their mouth that is long and/or slimy
H - HOMETOWN: Atlanta
I - INSTRUMENT(s): Trumpet since I was 10. i used to be good...now I'm just ok but i still play
J - JUGGLE: Yes! My job, my marriage, Greys Anatomy, and various other things
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Nah...
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Moving my wife from Baltimore to Atlanta
M - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Vanilla
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: Mna...just one. Mau. That's plenty
O - ONE WISH?: Student Loans would disappear
L - LAST PERSON WHO TEXTED YOU: lemme check...Jazmine, my intern. to say she wasn't bringing her patying ass in to do my filing.
Q- QUIET?: I can be
R - REASON TO SMILE: Saturday afternoon
S- SONG YOU LAST HEARD: "Fake Your Way To The Top" Eddie Murphy as Jimmy Early
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 7:00 a.m.
U- UNDERWEAR YOU'RE WEARING?: tagless boxer briefs. Ladies, by your man some.
V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE: Cauliflower
W - WORST HABIT: Missing the toilet
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Just my teeth.
Y - YOUR FRIEND THAT SHOWED YOU THIS: T-Dot
Z- ZODIAC SIGN: Leo, king of the jungle baby

Monday, February 5, 2007

STOP SENDING ME FORWARDS!!!!!!!

There are a lot of things I could blog about this morning, and I'm sure I will get around to all of them, but something happened to me this morning that compelled me to write. I came to work, sat down at my desk and opened my email and I had a note from a colleague who i respect a great deal. I was excited to hear from her. Who knows what wonderful information she had to share about what's going on in our field, who got fired or hired, upcoming programs, etc... I have a lot of respect for her. Well, at least I did.

This MORON sent me an email that has been circulating for years now about the Post Office destroying African-American histroy stamps, because black people don't buy them!!!! It infuriated me and disappointed me...and let me tell you why. My parents were very big on how we obtained information. One of the worst tongue lashings I ever got was because a kid at school told me that you coul dget chicken pox twice, and I believed him. My mother (who is a nurse) wore me out! She made me go and look up chicken pox in the Encyclopedia and told me to stop believeing what everybody told me. She taught me to look for proof and evidence and not to just go on somebody's words alone. My father was the big reader and news watcher. Every day, he would read the paper and watch the news and often times made us do both things with him. He taught me that while you can't believe everything that you hear on TV or read in print, it's a great place to start. It pays to be informed about what's going on around you, and it keeps you from being tricked and taken advantage of, and falling for stupid shit like the email that was sent to me this morning.

Please be clear. I don't work for othe Post Office and I never have, but I know for a fact that this mess about the stamps is not true! Why do I know this? Well, for a few reasons. First off, I haven't read or heard about it anywhere. Second, just a few weeks ago, the Postal Service released a new Ella Fitzgerald stamp (THAT I actually read about in the newspaper). Third, it's just common sense. So in the spirit of refuting ridiculous myths here is a list of other shit that I have been told, and I know for a fact are not true. You may recognize a few and if you have ever repeated this shit as fact, you may want to check yourself.

I never worked for Snapple but I know it's not owned by the KKK.

I also don't know Eddie Murphy and Johnny Gill personally, but I know that they are not homosexual lovers.

i'm not in a gang but I know that if I flash my headlights at somebody, they won't follow me home and kill me as some sort of gang initiation.

I have never worked for Microsoft or AOL, but I know that Bill Gates will not donate $1 for every email I send, to some lil sick girl.

I don't work for Glade or the fire department but I know that Plug-Ins dont cause fires.

I don't work for the bank, but I do know that entering my pin number in reverse will not summon the police.

I'm not involved in tennis and I don't know Serena Williams, but I do know that she didn't make any negative comments about dating black men.

I don't work for Citibank but I know it's not owned by Osama Bin Laden.

I don't even watch Oprah, but I do know that Tommy Hilfiger never appeared on her show and made racists comments about black people wearing his clothes.

I have never worked for Dominos Pizza but I know that they did not end their "30 minutes or it's free" guarantee because a speeding delivery driver hit and killed a child.

And I also know that forwarding that email to somebody else will not make an automatic donation to that child's family!

I know that Darius McCrary who played Eddie Winslow on Family Matters does not have AIDS.

I know that drinking Mountain Dew will not shrink your testicles and lower your sperm count. (Diabetes maybe, but not that)

I know that bananas will not be exticnct within ten years.

I have never worked for McDonald's but I know that they are not the world's largest purchaser of cow eyeballs.

I also know that fast food restaurants and schools do not use meat that is labeled "Grade D But Edible."

The phony Willie Lynch Letter, the fake Maya Angelou poem...need I go on?

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

My Health

I went to the doctor over the Xmas brak to get a lil check up. I tell my wife all the time, "if you can walk a flight of stairs without getting winded and you're not pissing or shitting blood, you're probably ok." Neither of thise things had happened to me but I like to be on the safe side and I hadn't been in a while so, I went. Turns out, my cholesterol is a lil high. My bad cholesterol is high acutally, and my good cholesterol is low. The doctor said it was no big deal and I could change it by dropping a few pounds. OK, I get that, but I'm a winner. I like a challenge and I hate losing. So now my goal is to beat this cholesterol thing. I have employed all the usual weapons: mounds of oatmeal, Cheerios, herbal supplements, Omega-3, everything. We'll see who is boss when I go back to get tested. I can't wait to get my blood work done again!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Making Plans

Apparently, my brother called me Sunday morning to ask me if my wife and I wanted to come to Breakfast. He called at 10am to propose breakfast at 11am. He also texted me and my wife. Ok so...our asses were sleep, and even if we had the interest, could not and would not muster up the energy to get up, get dressed, and make it to Decatur in an hour. But that's not the point. see...I promised that on this blog you would find out some things about me, so here is one. I make plans. I plan EVERYTHING. I even plan to do nothing. Let me explain.

When I was a youngster, getting my first lil taste of the nightlife and what not, my mother told me something. She said: "never ask a girl out after Wednesday evening. If a girl gets asked out after Wednesday evening, she assumes she was your second choice, and should/probably will say no." I thought to myself, that's a pretty cool rule! So I adopted it. Not concerning taking random braods to Outback, but for myself. My plans are made by Wednesday and if you ask me to do some shit after Wednesday I'll probably say no. Prime example, today is Tuesday and I can tell you that tomorrow night I'm watching Top Chef, Thursday night is The Office and Grey's, Friday night I'm hangin out with the Short Man, and Saturday night I'm taking my wife to a play. Saturday will primarily be spent working on a project called 'laying on my ass' and Sunday I'm watching the Superbowl. Unless you get to me by tomorrow afternoon, that's pretty much etched in stone.

This is where it gets tricky...see, you might ask me to do something Saturday and I'll say NO. You'll say, why dog? You ain't doing shit..but AH HA! I am doing something. I'm laying on my ass. I just said that! That's called, planning to do nothing. Some people see empty space in their schedule las a chance to do something. Empty space that can and should be filled. I see it as...well, empty space. A chance to do nothing. That's why I can weigh 275lbs and my blood pressure stay low. Ok I'm getting off the subject. You get the point...

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

An Open Apology to Michael Vick

OK so I went off on you the other day, and now it appears you had no drugs on you, and no evidence of drugs on you. Well I guess I owe you an apology. But I won't write one because mark bradley of the ajc did a damn good job of saying what was on my mind. So with apologies to Mark Bradley for copying his shit, here you go Vick. I'm Sorry.

"I’m putting this out for public consumption, but it’s really directed toward one man. I’m saying this to you, Michael, and I’m saying this not as your agent or your publicist but as someone who knows a little about sports and, having hung around Flowery Branch since the day you were drafted, a little about you.

You need to take control of your life. You need to harness every molecule and minute and make this your most productive offseason. You need to give yourself the chance to experience, 12 or 24 months from now, your own Peyton Manning Moment. You need to work harder than you’ve ever worked to show everyone who’s saying you can’t take a team to the Super Bowl that you can.

This isn’t so much about the infamous water bottle and what might or might not have happened in Miami. This is about the bigger picture. From being hailed as the Michael Jordan of your sport, you’re now viewed in ever-expanding circles as a coach-killer or worse. Your wildly lucrative (and once carefully cultivated) career is being cheapened with every headline. When you entered the league you worked hard to say and do the right things, but increasingly you’ve become entangled in bizarre incidents that don’t reflect well on you or your employer.

As the saying goes: You can’t be framed if you don’t put yourself in the picture. I’m fairly certain Tom Brady — likewise single and good-looking — enjoys his social life, but I’ve never heard of Brady getting into a scrape in an airport security line. (For you, this makes twice.) You need to step back and remember your place in the sporting firmament, to recall who you are and what you represent. You once made it easy to believe in Michael Vick. You need to stop making it hard.

For all that, you still have a grand opportunity. This head coach arrives with the express mission of making you better. When Bobby Petrino was with Jacksonville, he’d sit with fellow assistant Dom Capers, ticketed to be the first coach of the expansion Texans, on charter flights and they’d talk about how it would be to have the draft’s No. 1 pick and for that No. 1 pick to be you. Way back then, Petrino was thinking of the plays he’d draw up to utilize your skill set. Lo and behold, here he is.

And what was your first face-to-face encounter with the new man? A “stressful” (Rich McKay’s word) meeting regarding the water bottle. Even the usually understanding front office sounds as if it has lost patience: The Falcons’ three-sentence release Monday didn’t mention you by name. And still missing from all the water-bottle blather is any explanation from you.

For someone so famous, it isn’t enough to be technically innocent. You have to be above suspicion. From this day forward, you need to do everything within your power — and ultimately everything remains within your power — to preclude external stress. If that means staying home six nights out of seven, then stay home. While you’re there, try watching game film. Better yet, call Petrino and ask if he’ll watch with you. I bet he’ll even spring for the pizza.

You’re 26, about to enter your seventh NFL season, and you’ve arrived at a crossroads. You can continue to be the uncertain player you became under Mora/Knapp, a runner one week and a thrower the next, and soon you’ll be 31 and looking to resurrect yourself the way all last-chances do - as an Oakland Raider. Or you can work with this clever coach and immerse yourself in detail and bring your fundamentals to the level of your immense gifts, and then (assuming the rest of the roster holds up its end) you’ll be what you’ve said you dream of being: A great quarterback, a Super Bowl quarterback.

You have the time. You have, goodness knows, the talent. You can get where Peyton Manning is going, but you have to apply yourself. These last few months have made us wonder if you’re as serious about your job as you need to be. Show us you are. Shut us all up. Take this team to the Super Bowl."

By Mark Bradley of The AJC

Black History

So Black History Month is coming, and I always get excited about the BIG BHM. I'll never forget, the year Janet Jackson ripped her breast out at the Superbowl, my homeboy Creamy sent me a text message saying: "this is going to be the worst Black History Month ever." And you know what? It was. I mean aside from Janet there was an uprising in Haiti which led to Aristide resigning and THEN Barbershop 2 came out. It was a bad month.

Fast forward to the present day, and on somebody's blog yesterday, I read the following comment: "Four African Americans could potentially win Oscars, two Black Coaches in the Superbowl, and Obama is running for President. It's going to be a historic year."

So I'm thinking, have our standards for Black History changed? So, in examining that question, I decided to give you an idea of exactly what IS and what IS NOT Black History.

Hattie McDaniel is the first black to take an Oscar Home, and Sidney Potier is the first to win one in a leading role
BLACK HISTORY

Every time a blakc person gets nominated for an Osacr
NOT BLACK HISTORY

The nation elects the first Black President
BLACK HISTORY

A black man runs for President
NOT BLACK HISTORY

A black man invents the gas mask and the traffic light
BLACK HISTORY

A black man invents beats on a drum machine
NOT BLACK HISTORY

A black man is released from prison after 25 years, when DNA evidence proves his innocence
BLACK HISTORY

A black man gets off for a crime he probably committed
NOT BLACK HISTORY

The first black person to receive a degree from a major institution
BLACK HISTORY

Your cousin gets a degree from FAMU
NOT BLACK HISTORY

The first black person to host a TV show
BLACK HISTORY

The first black person to guest star on Everybody Loves Raymond
NOT BLACK HISTORY

You get the picture. Everything isn't Black History people. Calm down.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Reunion

Friday night, my wife and I went out with some High School friends. Allen, whom I call Big Al, was turning 30, and his wife wanted us to surprise him at PF Changs. So we went. Me and my wife, Big Al and his wife, Mike AKA Dr. Gibson and his wife, and Mike AKA Mike Jr. and his fiancee. Here is the thing. None of us has changed. It was really remarkable to see. We all graduated in 1995 and in 2007, we haven't changed. My wife pointed out, that at one point Big Al completely spaced out, but said at least 3 times how happy he was that we came, Dr. Gibson with TWO kids now still managed to start rapping old school songs at the table, and Mike Jr. made up stories and told them so good you kind of thought they were true. I still don't know what Mike Jr. does for a living by the way. Anyway, it was a lot of fun, and catching up with those guys every couple of years is fun as well. Having friends to grow old with kind of makes you hold a mirror up and take a look at yourself. Every once in a while I wake up and look at my wife, and feel like we are still 18, but then I hang out with those guys and I'm reminded that I'm not. Which is not a bad thing at all, and thats why I enjoy seeing them. All the dudes I went to High School with are doing ok and so am I, and that makes me happy. Here's to Big Al, Dr. Gibson, and Mike Jr. Thanks for staying in touch with me.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Who's On First? The Gay Edition




Once upon a time on the set of Grey's Anatomy...

Isaiah Washington: I'm sick of that faggot being late

T.R. Knight: HEY! Watch who you're calling a faggot

IW: I'm sorry man, I didn't mean to call you a faggot. Let's act like it never happened.

TRK: OK cool. Just don't say faggot anymore

IW: I won't say faggot anymore

TRK: You just said it again!

IW: Said what?

TRK: You said faggot! I asked you to stop saying faggot!

IW: I didn't call you a faggot that time

TRK: You just said it again man. Can you please stop saying faggot?

IW: I just told you I won't say faggot anymore. what do you want from me?

TRK: YOU JUST SAID IT AGAIN! What's your problem man?

IW: You faggots are crazy.

TRK: I'm telling Izzy or whatever her name is

(in walks Izzy looking EXACTLY like every doctor I've ever had)




Izzy: Did you call him a faggot?

IW: yes I did call him a faggot but I apologized and we promised to act like it never happened

izzy: So why did you call him a faggot again?

IW: I didn't call him a faggot!

Izzy: You just did it again!

TRK: I'm telling Ellen Degeneres and Rosie O'Donnell. They'll teach you not to call faggots faggots

(on the Ellen Show)

Ellen: Did Isaiah Washington call you a faggot?

TRK: Yes he did call me a faggot. Everybody heard it.

Ellen: So he called you faggot, which is an awful and disgusting word! I know because Rosie told me so.

TRK: Yes he called me that awful and disgusting word, faggot

Ellen: Shame on him

TRK: I know...



Get my point?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Black Men & Reality Shows

So last night on Top Chef, the black man got voted off. Every reality show usually has a black man. He's usually bald or has short hair, outspoken, and gets along well with the white people. But always just a lil bit on the edge of being crazy. Like...that's just the profile. Sometimes they throw in a gay black guy or a black woman, but there is almost always a black man. Let's review some of the famous ones in history.

There was Kwame from the Apprentice, and then Randal from the Apprentice. Laterrian and Alton from Road Rules. And Real World...boy, there was Syrus the Virus, Stephen AKA the guy that slapped a white girl, and David "come on be my baby tonight" Broom. There was Gervais on Survivor, and so forth.
Well the new guy is Cliff. A very talented chef from New York who has done suprisingly well on Top Chef. Here is the cool shit about Cliff: On only two occasions has he been faced with the possibility of going home, and both times he was spared by simply demanding that he wasn't going home. The first time, the head judge asked him why he shouldn't go home. His answer: "I'm done done yet. Are you kidding me? I'm not going home." Amazing right? OK so last week he is again faced with going home and when asked who should go, he kind of disgustingly gestured to his teammates and said, "send one of them." The judges did. I mean, it's crazy. The power that Cliff has seemingly had over the judges seems destined to carry him to the finals. Until last night.

So to make a long story short, the 4 of the 5 remaining contestants got a lil drunk and decided to shave the head of this one guy they don't like. Cool. Well, of course, they ask Cliff, the strong black buck to be the one to hold him down while they do it. So Cliff wakes him up, and tackles his lil ass, and holds him down in a full nelson. He's yelling, "guys I got him, come on," and they all just sit there. Like they changed their mind about shaving his head. After a few minutes of wrestling, Cliff lets him go. The lil guy is a lil mad but all seems well right? Wrong!

The Producers ask him to leave the show for physically assaulting another cast member. You should have seen his jaw drop! I thought there was a chance he might talk his way out of this one too but, not this time. It's a shame too, talented guy. I just hate that the black men on Reality shows are often times portrayed as aggressive and physically violent. Well, this one's for you Cliff. Good run.

Rules For Single Women

If you think all men are pigs, expect to live alone when you get older.

If you have 100 reasons to reject a man, expect to live alone when you get older.

Prince Charming is gay.

Rich, attractive, nice - at the most you can have two in a man. You're lucky if you get one

If you ask a man on a first date how much he earns or what kind of car he drives, he gets to look at your bare breasts while you are still in the restaurant.

If you answer your cell phone during a first date, he has the right to immediately get up and leave with no explanation.

If you expect a man to pay for everything, you'll need a strong jaw and a good tongue.

It's OK not to want kids. It's not OK to sacrifice your personal life and goals for your career.

The kharmic retribution for putting good men into the "Friend Zone" while getting hurt by bad boys is to
become bitter, angry, and the owner of at least three cats.

Your single girlfriends don't want you to have a happy relationship with a man. Consider this when listening to their advice.

The unintended consequence of independence is loneliness.

There is a fine line between expecting that a man pay for everything and being a common prostitute.

Excessive complaining is neither attractive nor polite.

You are entitled to nothing. However, you can expect rewards for working hard for something.

It's not always men making you unhappy. Don't let bitter women convince you of that.

Being strong doesn't mean being bitchy. Southern women have known this for generations.

You can't have it all. Please have the good sense to realize this.

Compromise is not surrender, it's what is necessary to have a good relationship.

Don't expect men to fall all over you just because you are a woman. Feminism taught men to be independent, too.

If he doesn't call you back, it doesn't means he's not really into you. maybe dude just don't like talking on the phone. Get over it and call him again. That's what you really want to do anyway.

If you meet a man, don't find reasons to reject him or things to change in him. Find reasons to accept him and respect him.

Given the current state of divorce laws, don't expect any man to marry you. It's not you, it's just how things are right now.

Hanging around gay men won't give you any useful insights about straight men. Frankly, hanging around gay men is just creepy.

Deferring self-gratification is a sign of maturity. You can wait until dinner even if you're hungry now.

An Open Letter To Michael Vick

Dear Dummy,

You IDIOT! What the hell is your fuckin problem man? I mean...shit! People are sick of defending you man. You know you done fucked up right? I mean, you REALLY have fucked up this time. Screwed the pooch good.

So this is the best you can do huh? A goddamn water bottle that can hide your weed?

What are you, 17 yrs old? Your're a goddamn millionaire man! Are you serious about this shit? If I was wearing some sort of hat, and you were standing here, I would take it off and fucking beat you with it repeatedly. But you know what? This is good. This is really good see, because it reinforces everything I have always known about weed. See, I have never touched the shit, and don't plan to, but I have been around people who have. The one thing that always amazes me about them is that they hold to the claim that "weed don't affect you." Well, clearly it does. It makes you do STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS.

I'm fuckin done wit you man. I'm fuckin done.

Me