Confession

I am going to introduce a new feature on my blog entitled: Confessions. In this space I will divulge some of my inner-most secrets to give you a better idea of who I am and what makes me tick. I have no set schedule for this. They will appear randomly. But you are sure to get a sneak-peek into the brilliant but reclusive person that is me. Here goes...

Confession:

I watch That's So Raven. And not just if I happen to be passing it. I know what time it comes on and I make sure to see it at least twice a week. It's one of the best shows on TV. Sue me...

I Need Some Feedback

What's the difference between this:


And This:


I look forward to your responses...

My Bad...

I haven't posted in over a week. That sucks and I feel like I need to apologize for not lacing you with brilliant shit to read. Tell you what I will do to make it up to you. I'll update you on events and thoughts of the last week.

OK so...Valentine's Day was cool. I was stuck in a quandry because I had neither cause, will, strength, or means to do something extravagant for my wife, but not only did she expect something, she thought I was joking when I told her I had nothing planned! I have this established history of saying I have nothing planned when the exact opposite is true, so I guess I brought that on myself. Well, regardless, I did what any good man would do. I came up with a last minute idea. A great new restaurant called Babbette's Cafe was offering a take-home Valentine's Day dinner, complete with Cornish Hens, heart-shaped ravioli, and dessert. It was really good offer and I didn't feel like cooking so, I did that and we had a nice evening.

I'm a slave to Grey's Anatomy and last Thursday's episode, which I dubbed the Oh Shit episode didn't make it any better. My wife and I went to see the Atlanta Symphony, a concert that started at 7 p.m., was supposed to last an hour, with a reception following, so I figured we could be home in time for Grey's. The concert ran a little long and it didn't end until 8:30. We skipped out on the reception and raced home like some bitches to see the show. I didn't like myself after that, so I invested in a DVR for my Direct TV because I REFUSE to be a slave to that damn show! Now I have it programmed to tape every episode of Grey's that ever comes on including the reruns and the back episodes in syndication on Lifetime, so I can watch it when I SAY I want to want it. Guess I showed Grey's huh?

Cabral Thornton is a cat I went to high school with who started a new company called Menu Meals. The premise is simple. They have a group of restaurants that they work with who do not deliver food to customers. Through them, you can place an order for food from those restaurants, and they will go there, pick it up for you, and deliver it to your home. A few things impressed me. The website was really slick and user-friendly. it was designed by Corey Stanford who i also went to high school with. Shortly after I placed my order, the call to confirm came from Cabral himself who I hadn't seen in about 7 or 8 years. Not only was I happy to hear from him, but I was impressed that he was working on a Saturday night, for a company that he owns. You just don't see that kind of work ethic very often. He offered to do the delivery himself and beat the estimated time of delivery by about 20 minutes. Check out menumeals.com if you are on the south side of Atlanta. You won't regret it.

Then my wife and I had a fight...a big one. We went to my parents house for dinner and spoke not a word to eachother the entire time. My mother called the following day to ask if we were okay, which I appreciated, but it's not like she could do anything about it so...that's just who she is. I love her. We worked it out like we always do though. Whenever we fight, I go to the movies to calm down, and this time I saw Notes On A Scandal. Check it out. It's a British thriller about a teacher who has sex with a student, and the teacher who finds out. I say Cate Blanchett will upset Jennifer Hudson for Best Supporting Actress on the Oscars next week. You heard it here first.

Ok this is getting long, let me wrap up. Work is crazy as hell. Traffic today was horrendous. I'm working on my taxes. That's why I haven't blogged. So there...

Jumpin Jim Crow

Wheel about, and turn about, and do just so;
Every time I wheel about, I jump Jim Crow.

I learned that song when I was in school at CAU. Luckily for me, I had professors who taught me about the struggles of those who came before me. They taught me that people had to jump Jim Crow just so we could have the opportunities that we have today. Me and the fellas, whenever we would have problems would jokingly say: "I been jumpin Jim Crow all my life!" Well, the crazy part is that it really never stops. I still encounter situations where I have to jump Jim Crow and it never gets any funnier or any easier. I get tired of having to be the bigger and better man and put on a happy face when I am mistreated...but I figure, better man than me did it and survived, so who am I to complain?

Yea, I had a rough week at work, that culminated with me having to jump Jim Crow to save my ass from some shit I didn't do in the first place. It sucks...bad. And no, I don't want to talk about it. I'll get over it soon enough. I know I'm being vague but...sometimes it has to be that way. So in honor of me jumpin Jim Crow, here is my first ever video in my blog, thanks to my brother who came by my office and showed me how; on the very day I was jumpin my ass off. This is Bill "Bojangles" Robinson, trying to make a way out of no way. Doing what he had ot do to make things happen. I can relate...



Yea...

Wheel about, and turn about, and do just so;
Every time I wheel about, I jump Jim Crow.

A Public Service For Black Women...Hell, All Women Everywhere! How To Tell If A Man is Gay

I'm really sick of it. I'm sick of hearing sob stories about how some chick hooked up with some dude...maybe even married him, and "found later" he was gay. It's old ya'll, really. Everytime I hear a girl say "I didn't know he was gay," I'm thinking, "shit, I did!" There are signs, whether we like it or not. Sure, there are some actors out there who will sneak it past you, but even when there are those who sneak it past you, you realize later that the signs were there, you just ignored them! Like this one cat I know from college, who NEVER had sex with a female. Sure, he would get chances but he always came up with some lame ass excuse as to why he didn't close the deal like, he was too big for her or something crazy like that. I knew it wasn't right but I ignored it. A few years later, this dude is inviting cats to a Brokeback Mountain party at his 'friend's' house and telling us to dress like cowboys! SO, for all the ladies who claim they CAN'T TELL this is my sevice to you. How to tell if a dude is gay:

1. If he is over thirty and has a washboard stomach, he is gay. It means he hasn't sucked back enough beer with the boys and has spent the rest of his free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If he has a cat, he is a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, that dude is fit to be framed, he's so gay.

3. If he sucks on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, he is a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and he is in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a homo.

4. If he refuses to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, he craves a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If he drinks decaf coffee with skim milk, he definitely likes a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. So are women, beer, and cigars. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. Also, if he has had NutraSweet in his mouth, he probably wants a man there, too.

6. If he knows more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, he might as well be handing out free passes to his ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If he can pick out chartreuse or knows what a "fressier" is, he is gay And if he can name ANY type of textile other than denim, he is homolicious.

7. If he drives with both hands on the wheel, forget it. The man is dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch, hold his beer, or play with his lady in the passenger seat.

8. If he enjoys romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. A guy watching any of the above films by himself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to homosexuals when they flame out too quickly.

Got all of that? GOOD.

The ABC's of Mr. Opinionated thanks to T-Dot

Got this from T-Dot who apparently got it from Veronica, both of whom I don't really know. I know T. Dot's sister but...well, you get the point.

A - AVAILABLE: Only for my wife of almost 4 months
B - BIRTHDAY: August 14, 1978
C - CRUSHING: As in female? Um...i guess crushes are allowed when you're married. Thandie Newton. She's sexy.
D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: I made a smoothie this morning. Strawberries, bananas, cranberry juice, pineapple juice, a lil flax seed, some honey, and ice
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Aside from my wife...it's a tie. My brother, my Mom, my Dad, and the Short Man
F - FAVORITE BANDS: The Count Basie Orchestra
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Bears. men should never put anything in their mouth that is long and/or slimy
H - HOMETOWN: Atlanta
I - INSTRUMENT(s): Trumpet since I was 10. i used to be good...now I'm just ok but i still play
J - JUGGLE: Yes! My job, my marriage, Greys Anatomy, and various other things
K - KILLED SOMEONE: Nah...
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Moving my wife from Baltimore to Atlanta
M - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Vanilla
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: Mna...just one. Mau. That's plenty
O - ONE WISH?: Student Loans would disappear
L - LAST PERSON WHO TEXTED YOU: lemme check...Jazmine, my intern. to say she wasn't bringing her patying ass in to do my filing.
Q- QUIET?: I can be
R - REASON TO SMILE: Saturday afternoon
S- SONG YOU LAST HEARD: "Fake Your Way To The Top" Eddie Murphy as Jimmy Early
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 7:00 a.m.
U- UNDERWEAR YOU'RE WEARING?: tagless boxer briefs. Ladies, by your man some.
V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE: Cauliflower
W - WORST HABIT: Missing the toilet
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Just my teeth.
Y - YOUR FRIEND THAT SHOWED YOU THIS: T-Dot
Z- ZODIAC SIGN: Leo, king of the jungle baby

STOP SENDING ME FORWARDS!!!!!!!

There are a lot of things I could blog about this morning, and I'm sure I will get around to all of them, but something happened to me this morning that compelled me to write. I came to work, sat down at my desk and opened my email and I had a note from a colleague who i respect a great deal. I was excited to hear from her. Who knows what wonderful information she had to share about what's going on in our field, who got fired or hired, upcoming programs, etc... I have a lot of respect for her. Well, at least I did.

This MORON sent me an email that has been circulating for years now about the Post Office destroying African-American histroy stamps, because black people don't buy them!!!! It infuriated me and disappointed me...and let me tell you why. My parents were very big on how we obtained information. One of the worst tongue lashings I ever got was because a kid at school told me that you coul dget chicken pox twice, and I believed him. My mother (who is a nurse) wore me out! She made me go and look up chicken pox in the Encyclopedia and told me to stop believeing what everybody told me. She taught me to look for proof and evidence and not to just go on somebody's words alone. My father was the big reader and news watcher. Every day, he would read the paper and watch the news and often times made us do both things with him. He taught me that while you can't believe everything that you hear on TV or read in print, it's a great place to start. It pays to be informed about what's going on around you, and it keeps you from being tricked and taken advantage of, and falling for stupid shit like the email that was sent to me this morning.

Please be clear. I don't work for othe Post Office and I never have, but I know for a fact that this mess about the stamps is not true! Why do I know this? Well, for a few reasons. First off, I haven't read or heard about it anywhere. Second, just a few weeks ago, the Postal Service released a new Ella Fitzgerald stamp (THAT I actually read about in the newspaper). Third, it's just common sense. So in the spirit of refuting ridiculous myths here is a list of other shit that I have been told, and I know for a fact are not true. You may recognize a few and if you have ever repeated this shit as fact, you may want to check yourself.

I never worked for Snapple but I know it's not owned by the KKK.

I also don't know Eddie Murphy and Johnny Gill personally, but I know that they are not homosexual lovers.

i'm not in a gang but I know that if I flash my headlights at somebody, they won't follow me home and kill me as some sort of gang initiation.

I have never worked for Microsoft or AOL, but I know that Bill Gates will not donate $1 for every email I send, to some lil sick girl.

I don't work for Glade or the fire department but I know that Plug-Ins dont cause fires.

I don't work for the bank, but I do know that entering my pin number in reverse will not summon the police.

I'm not involved in tennis and I don't know Serena Williams, but I do know that she didn't make any negative comments about dating black men.

I don't work for Citibank but I know it's not owned by Osama Bin Laden.

I don't even watch Oprah, but I do know that Tommy Hilfiger never appeared on her show and made racists comments about black people wearing his clothes.

I have never worked for Dominos Pizza but I know that they did not end their "30 minutes or it's free" guarantee because a speeding delivery driver hit and killed a child.

And I also know that forwarding that email to somebody else will not make an automatic donation to that child's family!

I know that Darius McCrary who played Eddie Winslow on Family Matters does not have AIDS.

I know that drinking Mountain Dew will not shrink your testicles and lower your sperm count. (Diabetes maybe, but not that)

I know that bananas will not be exticnct within ten years.

I have never worked for McDonald's but I know that they are not the world's largest purchaser of cow eyeballs.

I also know that fast food restaurants and schools do not use meat that is labeled "Grade D But Edible."

The phony Willie Lynch Letter, the fake Maya Angelou poem...need I go on?