Friday, February 9, 2007

A Public Service For Black Women...Hell, All Women Everywhere! How To Tell If A Man is Gay

I'm really sick of it. I'm sick of hearing sob stories about how some chick hooked up with some dude...maybe even married him, and "found later" he was gay. It's old ya'll, really. Everytime I hear a girl say "I didn't know he was gay," I'm thinking, "shit, I did!" There are signs, whether we like it or not. Sure, there are some actors out there who will sneak it past you, but even when there are those who sneak it past you, you realize later that the signs were there, you just ignored them! Like this one cat I know from college, who NEVER had sex with a female. Sure, he would get chances but he always came up with some lame ass excuse as to why he didn't close the deal like, he was too big for her or something crazy like that. I knew it wasn't right but I ignored it. A few years later, this dude is inviting cats to a Brokeback Mountain party at his 'friend's' house and telling us to dress like cowboys! SO, for all the ladies who claim they CAN'T TELL this is my sevice to you. How to tell if a dude is gay:

1. If he is over thirty and has a washboard stomach, he is gay. It means he hasn't sucked back enough beer with the boys and has spent the rest of his free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If he has a cat, he is a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, that dude is fit to be framed, he's so gay.

3. If he sucks on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, he is a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and he is in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a homo.

4. If he refuses to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, he craves a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If he drinks decaf coffee with skim milk, he definitely likes a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. So are women, beer, and cigars. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. Also, if he has had NutraSweet in his mouth, he probably wants a man there, too.

6. If he knows more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, he might as well be handing out free passes to his ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If he can pick out chartreuse or knows what a "fressier" is, he is gay And if he can name ANY type of textile other than denim, he is homolicious.

7. If he drives with both hands on the wheel, forget it. The man is dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch, hold his beer, or play with his lady in the passenger seat.

8. If he enjoys romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. A guy watching any of the above films by himself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to homosexuals when they flame out too quickly.

Got all of that? GOOD.


Mau said...

Yeah...I'd like to add a couple of things to #2.

If he has a dog, but that dog is under 10 lbs...he's most definitely gay.

If he puts clothes on his dog. He's gay.

If he tells/allows his dog to give him "kisses" - he's gay.


bedstuy chick said...

Please tell me you are joking.

Mr. Opinionated said...

Oh no, this is no joke. This is serious business.

Setta B. said...

Alright, Friend. I see why Oyo made the comment. You are a little out there, don't you think? If this was a public service you were attempting, I can appreciate that.
It's just your choice of examples. They are so stereotypical and gender-specific. Is a man less of a man because he knows his colors or like cheesy romantic films? No. He just likes what he likes. Who doesn't want a man who doesn't confine himself to the roles that society and religion dictate to him. I see your point only because I don't take it so literally.

You are truly entertaining! For the record, no! I have never dated a man about whom I wonder. I've felt positive that my past loves love only women in a romantic sense.